I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
