Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
