and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
i think i just lost a toe
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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