I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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