Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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