Please, let me fuck your mom
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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