I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
