barbara walters just said penis...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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