Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
