hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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