oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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