If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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