He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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