you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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