South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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