After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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