I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
