just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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