I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
