I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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