Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
