I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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