Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
