He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
