Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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