apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
