Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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