I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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