my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
