he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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