I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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