You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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