i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
