imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
