I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
