I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
