He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
