My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
