I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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