please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
