..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
