I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
