I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
this hospital has no fireball
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
