my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
