dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
