at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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