she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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