I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
