hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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