She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just threw up on my dentist
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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