Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He shit in the fireplace
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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