he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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