Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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