so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
