I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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